Breakthrough Parenting Online

Mom passes Sarah's room, and sees her throw her pajamas on the floor. "Put those in the laundry!" says Mom. Sarah picks them up, and puts them in the laundry basket.  Sounds good, right? Is there anything wrong with this exchange? You might be surprised but there is. Stop and think about the way Mom is speaking to Sarah. Is she authoratative, permissive or a breakthrough parent? Can you improve on the way Mom communicates?  If you're not sure, let's look at the conversation again. Mom believes the old saying that when you know better, you do better. What's wrong with throwing your clothes on the floor? They make your room messy, and they don't get washed. You want to have a clean room and clean clothes.

Mom is using commands to shape Sarah's behavior. "Pick up your room." "Take a shower." "Turn the TV off." "Do this." "Don't do that." There are probably hundreds or thousands of commands that parents use to guide their children, but commands like this are the characteristic of an authoritarian parent. These parents give orders and expect their child to do exactly what they're told. The child isn't expected to think for himself - he just follows orders.

But if Mom were to change from giving Sarah orders, to making statements, would that change the communication? "Sarah, your clothes are on the floor." Mom makes a statement, and once Sarah is made aware, she can choose to either pick up the clothes or leave them there.  If she fixes the problem by putting her clothes in the laundry - Mom can say good choice, or say nothing at all because Sarah solved the problem on her own. She obviously knew what the right decision was.  If she doesn't understand what the problem is, Mom can explain, "If your clothes aren't in the laundry, I won't be able to wash them, and you'll run out of clean clothes." Now Sarah has a reason for picking up her clothes, and can choose to do it herself.

By involving your child and encouraging them to make these decisions, you're avoiding thinking for them. This helps increase their critical thinking skills as well as their IQ. When parents give children information and expect that the child will analyze it and come to their own sensible and practical solution to the problem, you may be surprised at how often they actually will.

Trying to avoid using commands constantly actually increases the impact they have when you do use them. "Get out of the street!" "Don't touch the stove!" Your commands will begin to have a special meaning - especially in dangerous situations. Then, once the danger is gone, you can explain why you had to speak that way so they understand, and this will continue to develop their thinking skills.